Zero Waste Log #4: Negative Aspects

 

The only zero waste win for this post: found a local vegan restaurant that makes organic + raw kombucha in house and offers it on tap. for this jug it’s $20, and refills are $16. I HAD TO GET IT because this flavor is incredible. It’s mango pineapple and it tastes just like mexican mango lollipops covered in chili, minus the chili. They also make dressings, plant burgers, and more with superfoods and are soy free and gluten free.

TLDR; or a Trigger Warning if you prefer to call it that: depression, eating disorders, O.C.D., fat shaming, skinny shaming, skin picking + how it’s all relating to my zero waste journey

My boyfriend pointed out that I haven’t been eating enough, and that it’s possibly due to the fact that my lifestyle makes it harder to eat, because I avoid convenience food packaged in plastic, and at the same time, am trying to complete reinvent my diet, while working full time with one day off a week, with an alarm that rings at 3am everyday . I realize I can’t do all at once, and I often times obsess and plan and plan, instead of creating action. And so I have given myself some leeway, and am taking the steps needed for my own success. Because yes, I have lost weight, and am at the point I need to gain weight. That means getting my shit together and meal prepping. It’s so easy to get out of routine, and chronic depression and zero waste do not go hand and hand. If I’m feeling shitty about myself, and degrade into nothingness for a day, it’ll take me forever to get back on schedule with everything. I can’t afford to eat out all the time, for the times when I am too depressed to cook for myself.

Not eating enough has led to me having extremely decreased energy levels, lack of motivation, sadness, and rude remarks about my weight from family and acquaintances. It feels like a brutal cycle that’s hard to escape. I miss having my Brazilian ass and D cup tits and i’m not afraid to admit it! Not too long ago I was looking alright, but now I’m completely emaciated. It’s one thing to be naturally this skinny, but another to be emaciated.  One day recently I reached 98 lbs, a “under goal weight (UGW)” I had when I was struggling with eating disorders. I have been weighing myself to make sure I am not losing too much weight, but the experience brings me back to a time where my weight was my worth, and in this process I get sad for reasons I’d never thought I’d be. When I was in high school I would idolize a starved body, looking up to supermodels from the 90s and “real girl thinspo” who were around my height on pro-ana forums, and now when I’m past that, I desire to be healthy and at a healthy weight, but that leads to me hating the body I’m in because it’s not that anymore. My body pressures are also now that I’m not thick enough, since that seems to be the “in” body now, voluptuous curves, with a somehow thin waist. My mother told me that if I gained weight, I’d be more beautiful. It’s bullshit, because her, although has the goal of losing weight, I would never do the same and tell her she needs to lose weight in order to be beautiful. It’s a double standard I’ve realized that everyone who is possibly overweight has, where they feel comfortable making comments about me being too thin, but expect that you don’t make comments about them being too fat, because that’s fat shaming. Everyone else seems to not give a fuck about my weight. And I shouldn’t either. I should accept my body in every season it’s in, and not be afraid to flaunt it or even just live and exist it.

Being Zero Waste also causes strain in my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes it’s fun and invigorating, like when we go to the Farmer’s Market together on our bikes, or when he comes up with a zero waste idea I could never think of that makes me proud of him and makes me feel like it’s something he enjoys too. But often times it can be stressful, and my obsessive nature does not help. He often feels guilty when he doesn’t align with zero waste, he also isn’t eating enough too because he feels guilty for eating food that comes in packages like his favorite soyrizo, and he gets tired of having to make things from scratch, especially when i’m too tired, exhausted, and malnourished to chip in and help cook. I don’t want to cause this for him, and my relationship with him and making sure he is healthy, loved, and happy is more important than any stupid sustainability efforts I make. Which is why I have always tried and will try harder to make compromises like getting Tom’s toothpaste for him to use, etc., as well as letting him know that if there isn’t a zero waste switch he is comfortable with he doesn’t have to do it. I also want to do more for him, not only because he deserves it, but it would make things easier for him too. In transitioning to zero waste, he’s done a lot for me. He’s learned how to make pizza from scratch, tortillas from scratch, has gone to chipotle and gotten free tortillas, even gone to a local taqueria and gotten tortilla chips there in a reusable cotton bag. So soon I will learn how to make soyrizo from scratch from him, and get all the ingredients together so we can have zero waste, vegan tacos. Tacos, burritos and nachos are some of his favorite foods, and he loves when I cook for him so I will do it more often.

I admit, zero waste is my latest obsession. It’s something I realize I do (obsess), and have mentioned it already in this post. I am obsessive, and compulsive. I am not diagnosed with OCD, but have a lot of symptoms that warrant a proper diagnosis. I become obsessed with things and then desire to do everything pristinely, perfectly, and if I can’t do it that way, I become extremely depressed and discouraged. I also have an issue with compulsive skin picking, something I have a hard time controlling and do in my sleep. Right now I am actually neglecting eating even though I am starving because I want to finish the post, which is about zero waste stuff. I don’t sleep enough, because I am obsessed with looking up zero waste things on the internet. Like looking for new zero waste blogs and instagrams to follow, tips I haven’t learned, and working on my blog.  I probably spend 5+ hours a day, on my computer. Which is not good.

So what do I do from here?

I have scheduled two posts, including this one, so that for my day off tomorrow, and the day after, I do not have to go on my computer at all. I will bring my notebook with me everywhere so I am not tempted to jot a quick note down on my computer, and take time to really take care of myself, and try not to obsess about zero waste stuff. I am going to cook, clean, and prepare myself for work in two days, so I have everything I need so that I eat enough, my boyfriend eats enough. Making sure my mental and physical health are always top priorities. Actually cooking meals and meditating, instead of reading article after article about how good eating healthy and meditation is for you.

Because after all, nothing is sustainable if it isn’t sustainable for you on a personal level. That should be the most important part.

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